I was supposed to work today and I did til like 2:30 but then I came home because there were no patients in the ICU. We hada code come in but the code was called pretty much as soon as the pt got there. Kaleb had his short day today so he got home at 2:30 too. We ran some errands and then came home and cleaned up the house and I made Moon Pie for a church potluck. We went to the potluck and had a great time. We visited with Rachelle and Jeff Massey and Amie and Rusty Bigelow. I enjoyed it. We got a call earlier on in the day to go see the Bishop. Well I totally thought it was for Kaleb because he just got released from young mens. Well I was sure suprised because they called me to be 2nd counselor in the RS. I have been secretary and have really enjoyed the calling. 2nd counselor will be a bit more responsibility because I will have to give lessons and conduct and visit members of the ward but I'm excited to do it. I love to be busy and to be involved. The Bishop asked Kaleb to support me and Kaleb and I had a really good talk about it.

As far as health living today and my previous goals. I ran 2 miles this morning which felt good of course. It always does and I'm always glad tha I did it. I had a smoothie for breakfast which was celery, spinach, carrots, strawberries, yogurt and fat free milk. For lunch I had a tortilla with deli meat and a slice of provolone cheese. Then for dinner we had the poluck and I didn't gorge myself but ate kind of what I wanted. I hope that I'm doing enough. We will see.

The boys were so awesome today. I love there little smiles and their kisses. I love to kiss Brodys cheeks. We read thru the ensign and Koby is understanding more and more. I love it.

Anyway I guess I'll leave it at this for tonight.

Today I've eaten so far
Smoothie which contains 1 banana, 5 strawberries, 1/4 cup greek yogurt, 1 celery stick, and a handful of spinach with 1/4 cup fat free milk.

1/2 turkey sandwich

6 in meatball marinara sub with baked barbeque chips from subway

I haven't eaten dinner yet but I will have 1/2 chicken breast and salad no dressing.

I split the smoothie with my boys so I didn't eat all of it. I ran 2 miles on the treadmill and walked a 1.5 miles with some of my friends. Not too bad. I shouldn't have had the meatball marinara. I am still confident though if I eat the right things tonight. I woke up at 5 this morning and ran and then cleaned the house. I went walking with Kara Merrill and Cassie Morris. I had a RS meeting at 9 and then from there we've just been playing outside. Kaleb and I went on a drive while the boys slept and just visited about what our plans fort he future are with our land and thinking about building. We aren't sure with our land if we could do like a half basement because the land is kind of sloped. Kaleb wants to choose plans right now and go ahead and have the foundation pored. I want to wait and save up our money for 5 or 7 years... whatever we decide and just do it all at once. He thinks we will be able to save more money in the long run if we do it a little at a time. I don't care. I just want it all to be done at once. We will see. We have been saving for like 4 months so far and have $9000. So we will see. I'm happy to be saving. Anyway I feel happy today. Kaleb worked last night and slept just for a little bit and now he is out with Mike Wiltbank. I think they were going to go shooting. I just did some coloring pages and activities with the boys and now they are watching Open Season. I work tomorrow and the next day. I wish I didn't but oh well. I guess its good. I'm excited because I feel like I'm starting to get some friends. I got invited to do this Bunco Group and I went walking with some girls today. I can't believe how much of a difference it makes just to have some people to hang out with. I really want to try hard to be a good friend. Thats something that I really need to work on. I need to plan another craft day and invite them over. Well...I guess I'll go for now.

I am making three short term goals. They start tomorrow and they last for 7 days.

1. Write in journal everyday for 7 days.

2. No extra carbs. Like no rice with chicken. No taco shell with tacos..

3. Exercise 5 out of 7 days.

I am going to be using bodybugg now for the whole calories in calories out thing but I may still write in here periodicaly on how progress is going.

I forgot to add that my total calorie burn was 2178 yesterday.

Today...
I worked again today. I was bummed because I was planning on having salad from the cafeteria for lunch and then they decided to have a potatoe bar. I didn't have anything else to eat so I had a baked potatoe with all the fixings. Then for dinner I had a turkey sandwich. Total calorie count is 889. I'm kind of suprised. I thought it would be more. I'm not sure how to count some of thge things on the potatoe and I don't think its exactly right but...whats done is done. I did very good on water today. It was not quite as busy as yesterday. All in all it was a good day. I am struggling because I Ramsey and McKenzie invited me to do another half marathon May 1st. Its Sunday...I'm bummed about that and I'm not sure what to do. I really want to run antoher one and I need the motivation of those guys. McKenzies husband only has Sundays off so thats why they picked this one. I don't want to feel guilty but i would really like to run it. What should I do?

Today I worked and it was a very busy day! We barely had time to eat! I had:
tuna salad on greens from java blues
1 pita bread
1 turkey sandwich
1 bag kettle corn
According to myfitnesspal that is 1155 calories. Yay! Good job! I need to eat more fruits and vegeteables tomorrow though! I did not excercise today because I worked. Until tomorrow then!

To be or not to be

Ok well...I'm starting this blog for me! Can you imagine?! Something for me! I want to express my feelings of fear/loss/accomplishment/helplessness/sadness/triumph and whatever emotion that I feel as I struggle thru this existence. I am mostly dedicating it to weight loss and self image and everything that comes with that. You know what I mean...all those emotions that were above mentioned. I have this huge problem...I guess I will admit it right now. I think alot of ladies out there have it too. I go back and forth with the emotions and thoughts of "yes, I'm going to work hard and lose weight. I will be a size 4 just watch and see." and then when I do that for a week or actually more like 5 days I say "Embrace yourself. Eat those cookies and that icecream. We can't all be skinny." Then immediately after I eat whatever it is I feel guilty and immediatley think "ok I am going to work hard and lose weight." You know the routine. I HATE it! I HATE myself for constantly giving in to it! So I go back and forth from losing a few lbs to gaining it right back and then I get even more depressed because I'm starting from the beginning again. I think I will feel good after binging but then I'm even more hopeless and helpless and the cycle goes on and on and on...Well I think I just ended one of my binges and I had a thought today that made me realize something about myself. I like the whole being healthy thing. It feels good to eat good. I feel better about myself even if I'm not loosing the lbs I would like to. So why the binging?...I'm not sure. I think I just get frustrated with how I look and so I binge. No it doees not help. No in the end it does not feel better. Do you think Satan has a plan in this? I think he does. Enough for now. I will try to post something to help me as often as possible. I'm not saying I am going to model skinny or anything. I'm just tired of the mind games and the emotional roller coaster I put myself thru all the time! I'm just ready to be successful. To loose some weight and to be consistant with my diet and excercise. Something I always want to end with is this. Ashley, you are a daughter of God!